Better late then never although I really don't have any reason to not write more often...I just don't. I really sometimes am just at a loss for words because I sometimes don't have much to say. One could debate that since my head is always spinning but in some cases words don't work. I have really come to the conclusion that I just suck at so much, the lack of drive I have is disappointing, if not appalling.
I am so tired of being tired of being tired. Not tired in the need I have to sleep necessarily but tired of my internal struggle which in turn will sometimes cause me to want to sleep to just shut off. I really wonder what the hell is wrong with me, where did shit go so wrong. Is this karma!? What have I learned from all of this!? To me it's just a bunch of wasted time. I feel as though I have nothing to show for this so called time I was given. It's like eons have passed and I am still right where I started, don't know what to do, don't know where I am going. I feel like this time should have made me stronger, smarter even more educated. A new hobby, a new venture, a new beginning....something. Yet here I am still stuck....still searching....still fighting and hanging on.
Let me be clear that I am not all doom and gloom, there are things in my life that I am thankful for and light my path, I just have to find balance so that harmony will follow. It's just a really bumpy, rough road I am traveling right now and it hurts and it sucks and it is every damn awful thing balled up inside of me.
My JLR keeps me grounded, let's me be me, puts up with this hiccup in my life and as I have said before is still here...supporting me, loving me and most of all not judging me. I often wonder why......
I feel as though I am nothing with nothing to offer...just a disappointment and a slacker. I know those are my thoughts but they exist. I love her and I want her forever but I am afraid things are not where she would like them to be and at some point she will walk away, she will want better...more...
I don't need for her to affirm she's not going anywhere because I love her and I know our bond is bullet proof but if that day ever came I would understand.....she deserves the world!
Happy 3rd xmas eve my love. May we always appreciate each other, always communicate and love unconditionally.
I love you JLR.
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