nov 2021

 3 months since my last "entry".  Lots has happened,  I think.  Let's start with a cool getaway with my love to NYC to stay in an airstream, that was awesome.  Another perfect trip made by JLR.  I've gotten a few new tats..traditional pieces.  Who knew I actually like them, thanks babe!  Had a horrible feeling talk with JLR.  She sometimes holds stuff which causes her to give me major attitude until it explodes out.  She actually said she wasn't sure we would be together forever until things changed.  It was a stab in the heart and really fuckes me up for a few days.  It hurt....alot.  I think we were able to talk it through.  I know we are still not in ideal situations but that doesn't mean I don't see our future. Regardless of the obstacles.  I want to marry her one day and I've NEVER felt like that towards anyone! I want our life together, in any way that it needs to be at this time.  It sometimes scares me and even more so, that she even thought of us not being together. 

I got my Marijuana license.  Which is great.  Makes it much more convenient but it gets expensive and we all know i have a never ending supply of money...said noone ever haha.  I am now feeling confident that I want to start weening off some meds.  When I have my appointment with Dr goebel it will be the topic of discussion.  There is absolutely no reason to keep gaining weight and not feeling my best self with the amount of medication that I am on!  Something has to change!!!

I actually went to the gym.  My baby was the one who went first with me, helping me to jump that hurdle.  I don't go all the time but its still a start.  Even if I go 2 times a week its still something!  Thank you for that support.

Halloween has now passed and I didn't do anything.  I think I cant say it's one of my favorites anymore.  Im not really involved in it.

My love has been working really hard and has also started to go to the gym.  Shes much better than I am at doing things.  She looks great!

My older sister has lost weight, which is fantastic...really!  But she has now made 2 comments to me about me that were really off putting and not fair.  She said I used to be the skinnyest of the 2 of us and how she is skinny now.  I know it shouldn't bother me amd my circumstances are different but seriously, wtf.

I've still been doing alot of work at my younger sisters.  Its tough sometimes but its money and keeps me occupied.  Best yet is that my neice actually wants to be near me.  She is really starting to come into her own and I have no doubt it's going to be quite interesting.. lol.

As for me.  Im alright.  Still have some down days which to me doesn't make sense.  I still don't feel good enough. I get frustrated and I've been forgetting shit much more than usual.  It still is a struggle and fight everyday!

Hmmm im now overthinking and there is way too much going on in my head to concentrate.

I just want to say that I am so lucky to have a support system even though they think they know whats best for me.  Someone always says along the lines of "you should" "why aren't you doing this or that"  it makes me want to explode.  Its a very sensitive issue for me and I feel people forget that I have chronic pain and deal with some "mental shit"  there is not one thing anyone could say that I have not thought about or stressed about! I have what you call the invisible disability. All a lesson to learn and understand.

 To end this, I want to thank my baby for helping me with credit debt.  Its is very selfless and I don't deserve it.  I want her to know that she is my forever and I do see our future.  I may not talk alot about it but its always on my mind.  Thank you for being amazing in so many ways.  Thank you for sticking around through all of this.  Thank you for being beautiful inside and out.  Thank you for being my light in my darkest moments.  One reason im still here and believe in the positive and the next day.  Thank you for laughing at me and giving me the "wtf" look.  Than you for you and allowing us to be us! Thank you!

I LOVE YOU FOREVER JLR! In this lifetime and the next.  Whatever next means!