the longest yet...

Since my relationship began we have more or less been inseparable... even though we don't live together we would see each other practically everyday.  It has now been 1 1/2 wks.  I can't sleep, I have more restlessness than usual.  I miss her.....ALOT..  I know we are doing the right thing but I think an exception will have to be made very soon.  I miss her smell, her touch, her essence..just every molecule of who and what she is!
I'm not sure how I personally have been feeling..it's all more clouded than usual.  I hate looking in the mirror, not just because of what I look like but because at almost 43 the steps that I have taken backwards are so embarrassing, the lack of life that I feel like I live, the insignificance of me.  I have these moments of clarity but as quickly as they come, they vanish and I'm left just feeling empty.  I always thought I would be better than this.....this living at home, no job, mentally fucked woman child.  Life went really wrong somewhere and the worst part is that I feel like I deserve all of this!  Yet through this all....I still can't really grasp why she chooses to be with me.  I am like a broken puzzle, with billions of pieces misplaced and nothing to offer.  She has been my light.  The light that's in the distance that you want to hold onto but you feel it slowly fading and than BOOM there's the brightest thing you have every seen pulling you back to reality, making you feel something....anything.  The kind of light that says keep pushing, don't give up, I am here, you are loved, you deserve to be here and than I feel that glimmer of hope.  I sometimes still do want to give up, I feel so lost, hopeless, helpless.  She guides me and I will forever be in her debt for that.  Thank you for showing up in my life.  For being so fucking selfless.  For not judging the piece of shit I am.
I don't think I could ever tell you or show you what you have saved me from!  You are more than just someone I am in love with, you truly are my person, my soulmate, my rock, the source of my fight.
THANK YOU...
I LOVE YOU JLR